Two Steps Back

Because if I do, I feel like I cease to exist, in a world that is evolving too fast, yet people are decaying faster. And it seems like nobody else is seeing this, but me. The uncertainty in my life right now is excruciating. Every day I feel like I am about to die – mentally – and I ran out of sins to confess. I woke up after only 3 hours of sleep with the obsessive desire to study machine learning, mathematical modelling, precisely, the migration pattern of the Monarch Butterfly. 😐So I am. On Wikipedia. Just thought you should know. Maybe you are boredout also. There is a huge world out there, aside from copy-paste.The gap between where I am and where I should be was so big that I invented a quantum leap, about 8 and a half months ago. And time has finally come for me to jump. Well, actually, I jumped about 4 hours ago. So I am still waiting for a smooth landing.The world needs more scientists. Female scientists. In the past three years I’ve learned so much, I remembered so much from what I studied in school, chemistry, physics, advanced mathematics, yet I applied nothing. Because I didn’t have where. Because I was too busy with copy paste and moving information from one system to another. We call it accounting.Lately I’m obsessed, terrified, with planes crashing, because they ran out of fuel and they are not cleared for landing. I am one of those planes. A huge one, that can’t land anywhere. I am exhausted from explaining my life situation in metaphors and always being misunderstood. Right now I have to get someone out of a metaphorical prison. To get myself out of the prison of my fears. To make sure my daughter doesn’t get sicker.I have no idea why I am so terrified of what I am about to do, but all I really need is to find myself… landed in a different field.Thank you, Gabriel. They call it the Archangel. I call it my imaginary twin. I used it to bounce the thoughts in my mind with, when I had nobody in my real world to really listen to me. Some really believe it exists.You know what, I don’t even know why I have to give you so much explanation. Nobody offered me the same courtesy. On the contrary.I’m trying to go back to sleep. But I have to find that form first.